I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
