based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize
