You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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