You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
