My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish I only lived at night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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