Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
