Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
