Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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