i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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