it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
