I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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