i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
