I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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