Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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