I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
