so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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