I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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