evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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