dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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