i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
