nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The air taste purple.
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