I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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