I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
