the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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