Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
