Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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