Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
