She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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