you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
