I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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