Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
