I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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