I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
