You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
