is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
