I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
