any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
