I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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