She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
