please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
