I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
time to smoke my breakfast
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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