I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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