Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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