My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
