just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
