True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
