just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
