I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
