I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
