i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
