I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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