I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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