So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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