how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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