I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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