Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
