someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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