he laminated a picture of his dick.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
